I always felt like the ugly friend.

I was never the one you singled out in a group of people because I caught your eye. I would always be in places with my friends and awkwardly stand off to the side when more people joined our group. I was ignored a lot, which is why a lot of people don’t really remember me even though they know the people I hung around. I was the funny friend, the supportive friend, the awkward friend, but never the pretty friend. So I felt like I was the ugly one.

I am pretty convinced of it too. The one girls surround themselves with to make them look better. Not that any of those girls really needed an ugly friend. The majority of girls I hung around were gorgeous. They were the girls all the boys wanted. They stopped traffic in the hallway. People remembered their names.

I didn’t really start caring about what I looked like to other people until the third grade. That’s when I had my first real crush, and my first real brush with being the ugly friend. He was the boy that caught the attention of all the little girls. He was funny, cute and could play a mean game of soccer. We had loads of things in common, and he even taught me how to draw at one point. I crushed really hard on him. So when, on Valentine’s day, he handed me a valentine that popped up and told me he had made mine special, I thought, “He could actually like me too!” I was so excited.

& so horribly wrong.

He liked my friend. She was so beautiful. In fact, she still is very beautiful. She had the nicest smile, cutest dimples, and adorable laugh. She was the one you gravitated towards when she walked in a room. All the boys had a crush on her, but she only wanted one, and it just so happened to be the same one I wanted. I didn’t stand a chance.

I started having suicidal thoughts in the 4th grade.

Flash forward to the 7th and 8th grade.

I fell in love. Like, hard. I’m not really sure how it happened or why, but it had happened. It was a boy that was my best friend. We were so close and he would tell me all the time how much he thought no one would love him. I never had the guts to say, “Well hey, I love you.” It didn’t really matter anyway. To my surprise, he had fallen head over heels for every single one of my best friends. Each one, in the course of 2 years.

Mind you, I’m a great pretender. But I can only hide my sadness but so much. It got to the point where I would hear what they were doing to him, and it would make me excited. Like, “Look at me! I would never do that to you! Give me a chance!” But the next day would come and he would go right back. At one point I thought if I changed things about me he would see me. Truly see me as being desirable. I tried to get out of my comfort zone, be more outgoing. Be more like those other girls. It didn’t work.

I had 1 suicide attempt in middle school.

It was the 9th grade, when I stopped really wanting to hang out with other girls.

I had shit for self esteem and although I longed for other female companionship, I was tired of being so sad. At that point I had finally came out and told everyone I was bisexual. Which opened up the playing field. Yet I was still not being seen. No one saw me and wanted to get to know me. I was lost in a sea of people who were more desirable and attractive.

I didn’t feel confident around anyone.

That was the year I was used for sex. I knew I was, but I didn’t care. I wanted someone to see me as someone other than the ugly friend. I was desirable enough to fuck, but that was good enough for me. I’m pretty sure at the time I felt flattered that someone wanted to use me at all. We never had sex, I wasn’t ready. So naturally he no longer really wanted anything to do with me.

At that point I had discovered make up, hoodies, headbands, sweatpants.. anything that could hide my insecurities.

I wore hats to make myself look like I had great hair and to stand out from the rest of the crowd.

I surrounded myself with guys all throughout high school, so I couldn’t be compared to them anymore.

I had 2 suicide attempts in high school.

& now today.

I can’t really say. I’ve been with the same guy for 2 years now. Before that, I struggled really bad with self worth and finding myself. Appreciating life in its entirety. I got to the place where I didn’t care so much how people see me compared to others. I care more about how I see myself. Everyday is a struggle to make sure I don’t get back to that place where I am feeling inadequate compared to others. I get anxiety when I am around others, I don’t want to be seen as the ugly friend. I don’t think that will ever go away.

The takeaway.

It stems from feelings of not being good enough. Not good enough for anyone. From that I just kept wondering why I was even here. No one would care if I was gone. No one cared that I was here or at least that’s how I felt. Helpless, lonely, and just sad. To all my readers who feel like they are the ugly friend, I’m here for you. You’ll find someone that’s worth your time and appreciate every part of you one day.

It was never the girl’s fault. I loved their friendship dearly and wouldn’t have had it any other way.