& then they are gone

I am a highly emotional person with uncontrollable feelings. I can’t help when I feel sad or mad or highly disappointed. I can’t help if I ever feel the need to sit down and cry. in fact I want to right now. just say fuck today and lay in bed by myself and just be left alone.

It’s hard to admit that certain people make me feel this way. I take things very hard, I am very watchful, I can sense when things are falling apart. I cling to them instead of just letting them do their thing. People see that, they use it against me, they make me feel like I am the irrational person.

and maybe I am? but not in the way they think? maybe I’m irrational for believing that everyone will change for me as much as I am willing to change for them? maybe I am irrational in thinking that people are supposed to love each other and show it. maybe I am irrational for having fucking hopes and wants and dreams..

but the worst part is that they make me feel all of these things about myself and then they just leave. like this bitch has the audacity to want me to be better? how dare she! and then they walk right out of the door. but I’m the irrational. I’m the one that needs to get her shit checked.

maybe I do

because how I handle these things does not make me feel okay. I go and I buy to make myself feel better. I look at my planner and see all of the great things ahead and try to brush it all off.. I don’t let myself truly feel anything. and then it all comes creeping up and one day I find myself unable to stop crying and unable to put a fucking blade down or I run the water and I just don’t get it.

I don’t get life. how did I draw this straw? does it truly get better or is that just the things we say when the time is right to say them? why do I surround myself with people who make me feel like I’m irrational? Why are my feelings irrational?