how i am currently feeling

I keep apologizing to everyone around me because my head is not focused. I am in a terrible mood constantly and I feel like I am in a hopeless situation. it’s almost if my stress and anxiety have gone onto hyperdrive and have decided that I will not mentally be present while it heightens every situation while getting no solutions.

and then there’s the part about too much social media “facts” currently (and I put quotations because some of it is from reputable sources while others look highly questionable) that clog up my newsfeed.

and then I go into work and the entitled “customers always right mentality” (mostly stemming from CUSTOMERS) has me feeling like nothing…

I’m ready to turn it all off, crawl into a ball, and cry.

I’ve had a headache since I left my meeting with my job as they laid out how we were going to address the current pandemic. I got sick with worry and I think that’s where it all started.

since then I’ve had to apologize to the people around me at least once every day.

this morning, for example, to start my day my boyfriend of 5 years was trying to talk to me and I couldn’t even talk back. I mumbled good morning and proceeded to get ready for work… it’s our anniversary.

when I finally had enough in me to speak I apologized. I didn’t mean to be so distant, but I am incredibly sad.

and mad, and scared, and tired, and in pain and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

THERE’S SO FUCKING MUCH WRONG.

I’m trying to think of things that are right. to think of the ones who love me and the life I have built for myself. I’m trying to slow everything down.

but nothing was working.

until tonight.

something I have always loved is video games. a game I love playing is Mortal Kombat. I decided, on a whim, to purchase the newest addition and play. I felt like a kid with no worries again! I just wanted to level up, learn fatalities and be the best. my sister challenged me and I whooped her ass… it was good. and then it was over.

and now here I am again stuck in my mind that is running at hyperspeed to the point it’s starting to make me nauseous.

make it stop.